My life has been a lot like this dish cloth I started to crochet, I get about halfway and have to rip it all out and begin again. I used to have a blog at mamas-bloggin.com. I wish I had been consciously thinking about what I was losing. I would have saved all the hours spent pouring over posts. Posts that are relevant even now, but are gone forever. But I gave up on it. I didn’t have time for it. It reminded me of those first few months of alone that were so dreadful and dark even though you seen the positive words on my blog, there were so many very dark times. I didn’t just post all of those things for you, I posted them for me!
Beginning anew is difficult. You want to things to remain as the same as possible. I mean, you may want it to start out as everything fresh and new, but after awhile of fresh and new, you can start to yearn for some semblance of what you used to be. You want what you used to have, minus the bad that crushed you.
My friends, I know from experience. I fight daily against my desire for life to be what I used to have. Staying at home and teaching my children. Witnessing every moment of their life that was humanly possible. Pouring over recipe books and creating new foods for my family to try. While it was never just ‘easy’, I l o v e d my life!
But just as surely as I’m typing this now, it ended. I’m left wondering if I will ever have that type of life again? I do love my life now. It is crazy insane busy, I won’t lie to you, I am exhausted! But I spend every waking minute I can taking full advantage of the freedom I have now. The freedom to love (and most importantly, BE loved) unconditionally, openly, without fear, and with complete security. Sometimes life situations do drag me down. (okay more than just sometimes…)
I let other people get into my head and cause me sadness. But, when I chose to divorce, I did so in full knowledge of what I was giving up, and what I was going to receive (and what I hoped to receive also.) There are hard times, lots of them. There are good times, lots of them! And there are times when we just a r e.
So, if you are worried about change, whatever it might be, know this: It will have it’s ups and downs. Expect them! Don’t let yourself ever say “this is good enough” because it is very likely you will regret it. Learn from what you are closing the door to, always keep that close at hand, so that when you open your new door, you know what to look out for!